Well, it certainly has been a while since I've felt inspired to write on here, but here I am with an issue that I feel like every mom has had to deal with and makes being a mom even harder.
It's an epidemic and a major problem.
The hard part is, it can come from so many different places that you just feel blindsided. Some people can make it seem like they are giving friendly advice, while others are just blatantly horrible about it. It can range in topic from your birth plan to how you decide to school your children and so many other things!!!
What I felt was the hardest was when it came from those that were the closest to me (or so I thought).
Obviously, I had experience with mom shaming before this year. I mean, when you opt to have a c-section because you don't want to have both types of births at the same time, people that are very against anything but natural birth will let you know. Lucky for me, the c-section was the right way, and I can understand why people feel that way about surgery, but ultimately for me it was about the safest way for me to bring my children into the world and let me take care of them and be present for them from birth on.
The second experience was when I just couldn't produce any milk so I stopped even trying to pump. It had been a week and I was taking care of two infants by myself during the day and trying to pump at the same time. I found I wasn't resting at all and they were thriving on formula so that was what we opted for.
The most recent for me has been the hardest by far. I became a single mom in the past year, and that is hard in itself. Then you add in the COVID pandemic and trying to get myself out of a depressive funk and healthy again, it was a mix made in hell!
When I became a single mom, I was at the most depressed and anxiety ridden that I had ever been in my life. I was down to 85 pounds and was seriously scared for my health. I knew that I had to pull it together for my girls and find my strength again. So I did. It took a while, and I had my fair share of pity parties (which anyone going through that knows is needed. You can't hold those emotions in, it's not healthy!!!), but I finally found myself going out on my own again. I would take myself out to my favorite place for a glass of wine when I didn't have the girls, just to get out of the house and expose myself to people again.
One night I met a guy. I wasn't too sure about him but I gave him my number. We started talking and ended up going out on a few dates. When Valentines Day rolled around he asked if he could swing by to ask my daughters if it was ok for him to ask me to be his Valentine. It was so sweet and they were so excited and thought that they had surprised me with it.
I got a lot of criticism for doing that. I understand where it was coming from, but I also know my girls. I knew that if I was going to be bringing someone into my life I wanted to make sure that they were comfortable with the person. If they weren't, it would be a no go from the start. I had always said that I wouldn't introduce them to someone until I was sure (if I ever had to be in that position). The problem is you can say something all you want, but until you are going through it you really don't know what is best for you and your family.
I know that I'm not a person to jump from relationship to relationship, or to introduce a new "daddy" every week. That isn't me, but I wasn't going to consider something moving forward without the girls feeling comfortable. It worked for me and my situation, but I can understand how that might not work for everyone else. I have known people that waited until they had been with a person for years before introducing them to their children, and that worked for them and that is amazing!
Ultimately, I think that biggest thing is finding what you are comfortable with. As moms, I feel like we have an internal gauge that lets us know when something is right or wrong. The biggest thing I think as women and moms we have to remember is we have instincts for a reason!!!!!!!
If your gut is telling something is right for your family, listen to it, but also make an educated decision. Think about the pros and cons and see if it still works for you! People can tell you "Hey, everyone is breastfeeding and you should be too", and that may be true, but if the situation arrives and you're not physically able to, don't beat yourself up!! If your marriage or relationship ends and you still have smiling happy children that feel loved, safe and secure, your doing something right!!
At the end of the day, those kids are the most important thing. I know I'm doing right by my girls when the call to say they miss me and that they just want to do fun things with me. Their smiles and joy brought me back to life and let me know that at the end of the day, I'm doing something right!! Don't let the mom shaming take that feeling away from you ever!!!!!
